Many of us think we are good listeners but are we really? I mean what does it take to listen to someone talk to us--not much, right? Well...that's where we're wrong. Listening is actually a skill that takes time and practice in learning how to effectively listen and not just hear what someone is saying. Little side tour: My mother was a teacher and I was often corrected on my grammar during my more youthful years. I remember her asking me a few times (or more) to do something, a chore or homework. Finally she raised her voice and asked "Did you hear me?" I smirked. Not just a little raising of the lip; I mean a full blown The Grinch when he thinks he ruined Christmas kind of smirk. And if that wasn't bad enough, I had to go and say "Yah, I heard you but was I listening?" My inactive and defensive listening styles (described below) was one of my first learning lessons in how to become a better listener. Over the years, it has taken me a while to understand that I am a visual and reading/writer learner. And how I communicate with other individuals takes understanding what type of learner they are as well. It is my responsibility in how I communicate and receive communication. So if I'm working with an Auditory Learner, they are most likely going to be sooooo bored if I give them paperwork to read and complete. However, I'll probably gain more engagement from the person if I asked them to tell me a story on what it is I need to know and I write it down. Auditory Learning and the style(s) of listening an individual participates in may help in explaining and restructuring ourselves and/or environments. A child or adult with ADHD may need a very quiet work space. Sometimes it helps to wear noise blocking earphones to minimize sounds while reading or writing. Turning off or putting away electronic devices to improve attention and focus. Placement of a desk at school, work, or home to decrease distractions. Making sure eye contact is occurring between both listener and speaker. It helps to say the listener's name during conversation to refocus or emphasize something important. As always, I'd love to hear your feedback or answer any questions. In the meantime, stop and listen to what the babbling brook is saying... Yours Truly, Tera
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Say whaaa? That's right; say yes! I'm sure you've heard countless times, 'you need to learn to just say no.' Well, it gets tiring hearing negativity all the time, doesn't it? And 'no' sure is a negative word. So...how about learning to start saying "YES!" Wanna try it for kicks and giggles with me?
Let's pretend you have a family member, Sally. Sally is really nice but has so many things going on and constantly asks you to watch her kids. You don't mind because you know Sally's husband is gone and her mother's been sick. You think, "I'd want someone to help me out." The thing is, Sally comes back a little later each time with a different excuse. Your husband is starting to become irritable with you being gone more because you said it was only going to be "a couple of times" and "just a short while." You feel guilty and stuck, torn between wanting to help the children and be with your own family. You've confided in your sister and best friend who tell you, "Just say no." However, the feelings inside you aren't sitting right with that answer. What if it ruins your friendship and Sally IS family? Who will watch the kids? What if it were you in that position? Your anxiety is up. It just sucks. Here we go... Practice saying with me: YES, I'll watch your children and I need you home by 7pm. YES, I'll come over. You'll have dinner prepared though, right? YES, dear, I'm watching the children and tomorrow WE can spend the evening together. I've listened to what you said, sister/friend, and YES, I understand your point. I appreciate your input, however, I am going to set limits to start with. Learning to say "Yes" also creates an environment of curiosity, trust, empowerment. By learning to say "Yes" you are learning to say "No." You are building the confidence in communicating with others which is actually easier by using the yes word versus the no word. Funny how reframing works. Through communication building, you are actually building trust and relationships with others because value is placed on what you expect to happen and what your intentions are. You feel better because you are establishing boundaries and providing a level of self-care for yourself. By continuing to do things, reaching out and helping others, you are fulfilling self-satisfaction. Again, this helps in building self-worth and will hopefully lead you into trying new things. Now all of this may take practice and not come as easily as it is written in this blog. But if you are experiencing anxiety, issues with communication, relationships or unhealthy boundaries, then therapy may be a good choice for some assistance. Feel free to reach out to me with any questions or comments. Going through school and working in my profession, I've heard sooooo many jokes regarding my profession. All in all, the majority of comments are meant as harmless, fun, light-hearted humor. And that's what my intentions of this blog are, too. Sometimes, we just have to exhale, let go and laugh. After all, I'm the "Psycho" therapist! hee.hee. Okay, I'll admit, that was Terable.
I like to use a little humor in my sessions with clients when the timing is appropriate. I found it "funny" that while researching some material, I came across the following picture: You know when you see something and laugh out loud but no-one else gets it? That was one of those moments for me. So here's the story...I'm the therapist wearing green in the pictures above. I have had on multiple occasions, clients say to me "I can't tell what you're thinking." Meanwhile, in my office I have emotion pictures where I'll ask clients to identify their emotion based on a facial expression or word. And while I'm constantly observing and assessing a client's facial expressions, body language, verbal statements; etc., they are assessing me as well. As a therapist, I found this amusing, yet thought provoking.
As an individual, I believe sometimes we have a tendency to take statements or assumptions personally when they are not intended that way. And even if they are intended as a personal attack, what are the best ways to react in a situation? We can can go through life thinking, feeling, believing that others are judging us based on whatever--the color of our hair, our clothing, social status, relationship status, our finances, and on and on. Maybe others have flat out told us about their opinion(s) regarding whatever it is--positive or negative. (Isn't funny that we don't seem to mind the positive, only the negative?--a topic for another day.) However, let's look at our assumptions and thoughts and ask ourselves the following questions:
It is normal to overthink situations, judge ourselves and react to situations that may not necessarily mean what we think they mean. Of course, not all situations are assumed or taken out of context--I am not saying that. We do need to remember a couple of things, which is 1) we don't control other people; only ourselves and 2) that it is us that we live with 100% of the time. Therefore, it is up to us to take care of ourselves--mind, body and spirit--and keep them in balance. I invite you to ask yourself:
And always remember...YOU ARE SPECIAL! YOU ARE WORTH IT! How do you write about one of your inspirations, your mentor, one of the most amazing individuals you look up to? Well, maybe you don't. Her qualities actually speak for themselves. Dr. Veronica Hardy, as I fondly refer to her as "Dr. H.," is an educator, author, public speaker, advocator and so much more. She has written a book entitled Becoming Un-Tangled that I feel is something we can all benefit from on multiple levels and I wanted to share this book with you. If you would like to learn more about Dr. Veronica Hardy, see her other publications, or even get a signed copy of her book, please visit her website!
Now before you get all stirred up and ready to send me hate mail for using the word Fluck...Google it. It’s an actual word! And I’m here to talk about it on St. Patty’s Day!
It’s one of those cultural things our society has, you know, like...did you wear green today? Even if you’re not Irish? Or pick a 4-leaf clover for good luck? Now...I invite you to think about luck. Is it luck when someone wins the lottery? But what if that person plays the same numbers every single time, rubbing off the ticket with the same coin, the same way, on the same day of the week...you know where I’m going with this. You’re probably thinking, “yes” with others saying the statistics and probability chances are x to y. But what about a basketball player? Is s/he lucky when s/he scores a basket? I mean, they shoot and practice the same corner shot or free throw, so is it luck? I mean we call that technique or skill. But it’s still statistics and probability.
So what about our emotions and feelings? Hmm. Now I’m peeling back the layers a little bit. It’s getting warm in here, y’all. What about our wedding day. It’s raining outside and you’ve just spent how much money on that outfit, flowers, candles, outdoor event and oh my word, the big day is ruined! Is that bad luck? I don’t know about you, but my grandmother told me that when it rains on your wedding day, that’s the best luck there is!
I absolutely love working with children. They have a perspective on life and situations that most people don’t give them credit for. They are constantly listening and absorbing details when least expected. You know what I’m saying. You’re quietly shopping, minding your own business and all of a sudden your 2 or 3 year old blares out “Sh*t!” in the middle of the grocery store and you feel like a spectacle turning 5 shades of red, having to defend yourself, sheepishly saying “I don’t know where s/he learned that” while under your breath saying “Please stop!” and awkwardly laughing “Now darling, we don’t say those words.” Yah, we’ve all been there. My son, while in first grade, had recycle day. He proudly took in bottle caps without my knowledge. I was called into the classroom by the teacher after school to discuss his show and tell experience that day. My son’s explanation went something like this...”My mom drinks a lot. A real lot. So I have a lot of bottle caps.” And I still vividly remember he had two bottle caps in his little hand. But that was “a lot” to him. I like to play a game with children. I have parents sit on the sidelines quietly and listen to their child’s responses. It can be an amazing eye opener for the parents. During the game, the child and I are problem solving our feelings of hurt, anger, frustration, or whatever is of the most concern at that time. To finish the game, we learn a coping skill to help with dealing with that feeling/emotion. I’d like to share this: the game never goes as expected because I’m always working with children and children have their own personalities. One child wants to create the rules differently and yet another child becomes distracted. So we modify as we go but the main theme is always the same. It is about trust and belonging. As I previously said, I absolutely love working with children. I am always surprised by what I learn from them. In a recent session, I was handed a bracelet made out of paperclips that represented joining and I was told I couldn’t take it off. In the eyes of a child, it isn’t about good luck or bad luck. It is about trust and belonging. It is about a connection that goes deeper than a paperclip bracelet. I’m still wearing the bracelet and will continue to do so until our job and journey is completed. Then I will cherish this bracelet as a fond memory of what I have learned to carry with me.
The point is this... As adults, we tend to become immune to listening to children. We want children to listen to us. Just stop for a moment and catch your breath. Try closing your eyes and remember a childhood memory. Can you remember being small? Think about that word...SMALL. You need help when you're small. The pressures of being small. Sometimes we forget how hard it is because we tend to focus on the BIG things, like the trauma we endured but got through or the fact children don't have the BIG responsibilities that we as adults face now. What should you do? Listen, spend time together, be patient with one another, communicate. If you need assistance, give me a call. I'd be happy to schedule an individual session or family session to help get you and/or the family back on track! DID YOU KNOW... |
When the brain experiences too much release or chronic release of chemicals (cortisol and norepinephrine), keeping the body in a fight or flight state, it keeps the heart working at an elevated rate. This has been known to cause weaker immune systems, weight gain, heart disease and other issues, such as damage to the brain--and possibly dementia. |
WHAT CAN I DO?
How many times have you thought to yourself, "I'm not good enough?" I know I have. We all have internal voices that rise up on occasion that let us know that we aren't secure with ourselves. We're human and we tend to compare ourselves with others all the time. We have those voices saying "You're not smart enough; Don't wear that, you're too fat; You can't sing or dance just sit down; Don't ask for a raise or go for that promotion, you won't get it; Don't ask her out, you're not her type." You get the point.
Some people have an inner voice that seems to be more critical than other people do. It can be devastating to their self-esteem and self-worth. It can drive those people into self-destruction. While others use that inner voice as a motivator to do the opposite and prove the voice wrong. For example, "I'll show everyone that I am good enough and better!"
So where does this inner voice come from?
In short, we are born with it. It is part of our natural survival instinct or a self-protection factor. It can be part of our conscious and unconscious. It is also part of our thought process.
Some people have an inner voice that seems to be more critical than other people do. It can be devastating to their self-esteem and self-worth. It can drive those people into self-destruction. While others use that inner voice as a motivator to do the opposite and prove the voice wrong. For example, "I'll show everyone that I am good enough and better!"
So where does this inner voice come from?
In short, we are born with it. It is part of our natural survival instinct or a self-protection factor. It can be part of our conscious and unconscious. It is also part of our thought process.
Thoughts -> Feelings -> Behaviors
I'm not going into depth on details of thoughts affecting feelings which influence behaviors; otherwise, we would be here all day. Instead, I will share that due to the inner voices being critical, we may experience feelings of hurt, anger, loneliness. In turn, this drives our choices in provoking our self-worth and reactions to isolate, act out, get motivated; etc.
You may be thinking this: How can I be so nice and give others great advice when I'm so hard on myself? For example, I can build up my best friend (or whomever) and yet, not myself, or at least not believe it.
It's easy to fall victim to negative thinking. Based on your past experiences, or maybe your present experiences, it is easy to return to the comfort of those known thoughts--survival thinking. And that's where you begin to feel broken and devastated inside. Typically, these thoughts (and then feelings/behaviors) are related to childhood or a trauma. It is developed from the need for approval, acceptance and unconditional love. Were you or are you a peacemaker? Do you find that your inner voice says something like "If I do all this work then my boss will be so proud of me" or "If I cook my husband's favorite dinner, he won't argue with me tonight?" These are common thoughts we experience, but they are not realistic because they are based on expectations of earning something from another person--like a treat or reward. You cannot control someone else's reactions or behaviors. You can only control you.
How can we fix this?
First, ask yourself who are you surrounding yourself by? There is the old saying...Misery loves company. So are you in the best company? Maybe having better boundaries would be a solution. Learning to set time limits, saying no, being more organized--these are just some options.
You may be thinking this: How can I be so nice and give others great advice when I'm so hard on myself? For example, I can build up my best friend (or whomever) and yet, not myself, or at least not believe it.
It's easy to fall victim to negative thinking. Based on your past experiences, or maybe your present experiences, it is easy to return to the comfort of those known thoughts--survival thinking. And that's where you begin to feel broken and devastated inside. Typically, these thoughts (and then feelings/behaviors) are related to childhood or a trauma. It is developed from the need for approval, acceptance and unconditional love. Were you or are you a peacemaker? Do you find that your inner voice says something like "If I do all this work then my boss will be so proud of me" or "If I cook my husband's favorite dinner, he won't argue with me tonight?" These are common thoughts we experience, but they are not realistic because they are based on expectations of earning something from another person--like a treat or reward. You cannot control someone else's reactions or behaviors. You can only control you.
How can we fix this?
First, ask yourself who are you surrounding yourself by? There is the old saying...Misery loves company. So are you in the best company? Maybe having better boundaries would be a solution. Learning to set time limits, saying no, being more organized--these are just some options.
Give yourself permission to be who you are--at least for right now.
Learn to love and value yourself for who and what you are. To do this, you must be true to yourself. Turn those "would of, could of, should of's" into "I will" and set those goals. Reframe that negative talk when your inner voice is saying negative things. Talk back to it by saying something positive. Read positive affirmations daily or write your own positive affirmations and post them on your mirror, refrigerator, or where you will see them often. Remember, no one, and I mean no one, is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. How are we supposed to learn? Take a child who is learning to walk. How many times do they fall before they can actually walk? We are always learning and growing and developing. Give yourself permission to be who you are--at least for right now. You are not the only one going through this. Everyone has an inner voice and experiences their own negative feedback. However, it's your choice in how you respond to it. Ask yourself, how many positive things are there about me versus how many negative things are there about me? When we can truly be honest with ourselves and get in touch with our thoughts, we can learn to control those thoughts.
Mindfulness, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Neuro-Linguistic Programming are therapies that may assist with anxiety, depression, trauma and reframing. Call me today if you would like to learn more or schedule an appointment.
Feel free to comment below. I would love to hear your thoughts, comments.
Mindfulness, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Neuro-Linguistic Programming are therapies that may assist with anxiety, depression, trauma and reframing. Call me today if you would like to learn more or schedule an appointment.
Feel free to comment below. I would love to hear your thoughts, comments.
Have you ever wished you had a Magic Button? Especially during times when you've been really stressed out and just needed an extra set of hands or 10 more minutes of sleep. I think we've all been there at some point in our lives. It seems with the pandemic going on, we could use that Magic Button a little more often these days. I mean, personally, I would like to push that button and *POOF* erase moments in time that I would like to forget about completely...or have others forget about.
Unfortunately, there is no Magic Button; however, there is something I like to call "The 4 A's." I will be discussing the 4 A's and breaking each "A" down so you can have a way to help in de-stressing when things seem overwhelming and unbearable.
1. AWARENESS
Eckhart Tolle said "Awareness is the greatest agent for change." My mother used to tell me "Go fix your face in the mirror" when I had an attitude as a child. Today, when I'm talking with someone, I still hear my mother's voice reminding me that my facial expressions are telling others what I'm thinking. Becoming self-aware is the first step in setting goals for behavior management.
2. ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Smoke and Mirrors. We can all acknowledge the existence of something, but as humans we can also be master manipulators, especially with ourselves. How many times has someone asked how you are doing and you smiled while responding "good" when you really felt like saying "I feel like crap?" OR, maybe you simply don't want to acknowledge a problem or need to change. For example, you may not be ready to quit smoking, start a diet; etc. And still, you may not even be aware that there is an issue occurring, such as caregiver burnout. You may feel that it is your obligation and duty to care for your loved one and you "can't" get a break.
3. ACCEPTANCE
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines acceptances as:
1: the quality or state of being accepted or acceptable
2: the act of accepting something or someone: the fact of being accepted : APPROVAL
For many individuals, I have found that the term "acceptance" is a difficult word to digest. What I mean by that is, someone telling me they cannot accept the fact their husband died or that they were fired after working 20 years at a job. Therefore, I invite you to look at acceptance in a different perspective. Think of acceptance as accountability. You can now say to yourself, "I am in control. I don't have to like what is going on but I don't have to avoid the situation either. I may not be able to change the situation but I can choose how I respond."
4. ADJUSTMENT
Abraham Maslow was a psychologist known for creating the Hierarchy of Human Needs in 1954. Maslow stated in the hierarchical pyramid that all people go through levels of needs during their lives (physiological, safety, love/belonging, esteem, and self-actualization). According to Maslow, a person is constantly striving (or motivated) to achieve that next level of the pyramid; however, is not able to attain the next level until all his/her needs are met in one level before moving up to the next level. As you are well aware, we are in a constantly changing society right now due to the Pandemic. Change can be difficult, especially emotional change.
So what do we do with the 4 A's?
Once you are aware of a situation and choose to make changes in your life you can start by taking control. Below is a list of a few ideas.
Schedule a therapy appointment and we can discuss more...
Unfortunately, there is no Magic Button; however, there is something I like to call "The 4 A's." I will be discussing the 4 A's and breaking each "A" down so you can have a way to help in de-stressing when things seem overwhelming and unbearable.
1. AWARENESS
Eckhart Tolle said "Awareness is the greatest agent for change." My mother used to tell me "Go fix your face in the mirror" when I had an attitude as a child. Today, when I'm talking with someone, I still hear my mother's voice reminding me that my facial expressions are telling others what I'm thinking. Becoming self-aware is the first step in setting goals for behavior management.
2. ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Smoke and Mirrors. We can all acknowledge the existence of something, but as humans we can also be master manipulators, especially with ourselves. How many times has someone asked how you are doing and you smiled while responding "good" when you really felt like saying "I feel like crap?" OR, maybe you simply don't want to acknowledge a problem or need to change. For example, you may not be ready to quit smoking, start a diet; etc. And still, you may not even be aware that there is an issue occurring, such as caregiver burnout. You may feel that it is your obligation and duty to care for your loved one and you "can't" get a break.
3. ACCEPTANCE
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines acceptances as:
1: the quality or state of being accepted or acceptable
2: the act of accepting something or someone: the fact of being accepted : APPROVAL
For many individuals, I have found that the term "acceptance" is a difficult word to digest. What I mean by that is, someone telling me they cannot accept the fact their husband died or that they were fired after working 20 years at a job. Therefore, I invite you to look at acceptance in a different perspective. Think of acceptance as accountability. You can now say to yourself, "I am in control. I don't have to like what is going on but I don't have to avoid the situation either. I may not be able to change the situation but I can choose how I respond."
4. ADJUSTMENT
Abraham Maslow was a psychologist known for creating the Hierarchy of Human Needs in 1954. Maslow stated in the hierarchical pyramid that all people go through levels of needs during their lives (physiological, safety, love/belonging, esteem, and self-actualization). According to Maslow, a person is constantly striving (or motivated) to achieve that next level of the pyramid; however, is not able to attain the next level until all his/her needs are met in one level before moving up to the next level. As you are well aware, we are in a constantly changing society right now due to the Pandemic. Change can be difficult, especially emotional change.
So what do we do with the 4 A's?
Once you are aware of a situation and choose to make changes in your life you can start by taking control. Below is a list of a few ideas.
- Create healthy boundaries with people
- Learn to say no
- Get priorities done first
- Communicate your feelings and thoughts (respectfully)
- If you can't communicate, write it down
- Time management
- Call a friend, reconnect with someone
- Forgive
- Say at least 3 positive things about yourself every day
- There are no mistakes, only learning lessons
- There is no such thing as PERFECT
- Take a deep breath...and another one
- Stop. Think. Act.
Schedule a therapy appointment and we can discuss more...
Tera Duthie, LCSW
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